Around Christmas time during a sit down at the mall food court and the drive home later, my friends and I got on the topic of how… interesting one of the mall security guards was, particularly for often being seen riding a Segway.
For those of you who missed the one or two news reports early into the new millennium, a Segway is a “two wheeled, self-balancing electric vehicle.” (quoted from Wikipedia.) Most of their use derives from working people in the police department, military or businesses with obnoxiously large warehouses. So if you see a perfectly healthy civilian who took the time to save up for one of these machines buzzing around, please, do clothes line them.
I got a particular charge from this social crucifixion because the unfortunate security guard at our mercy was the then fiancé (now husband) of my boyfriends ex-monster. So I relished at that, but felt a little bad for him at the same time. However, my amusement ultimately out weighed my sympathy by far.
The conversation between Josh, Zack, Bryan, Lisa and myself on the subject went loosely as following:
“Why does he wear a helmet? Seriously, Segways have a top speed of 5 ½ miles per hour…”
“Walking would seem more beneficial--at least for him anyways...” And the mall is decently small, in comparison to say most any of them. Its Maine for crying out loud.
“No, no, Segways have two speeds: a top speed of awesome and everything else is just slower awesome.”
“So what happens when awesome collides with a rail?”
“You laugh.”
“And would totally need a helmet.”
“Well, not necessarily for that. It may be for when he has to go into stores and forgets to duck.”
“Ha, you think the Segway would keep going without him?”
“I’d try and ride one up the escalator!”
“They are absolutely ridiculous and people who ride them look exactly that way. But if someone offered to let me ride one, with people pointing and laughing, I’d so do it.”
“You’d probably try to run those people over.”
“What about people who work at Disney? The staff that rides Segways don’t have to wear helmets.”
“That’s because the mall doesn’t profit from idiots who injure themselves, Disney probably does somehow--its friggin’ Disney.”
Zack, who commented earlier on Segways having a speed of awesome and that he would ride one regardless of its ridiculous nature said he wanted to go sit on Santa’s lap in the mall and ask him for a Segway. Upon seeing the security guard drive by he schemed to run over and drop kick him off the machine and cry out “My Christmas wishes have been realized!” and drive off with the security guard wheezing angrily behind him, despite Zack feeling reasonably justified to relieve him of it.
The conversation soon progressed into run away Segways, one wheeled Segways and pogo stilts.
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